Ross O’Carroll-Kelly 
Keeping Up with the Kalashnikovs 

My friend, Fionn, was being held hostage in, I don’t know, Unganga Nanga, and the Government was refusing to send in a team of marines to extract him. Pack of focking cauliflower worriers …I wouldn’t have minded being bound and gagged in a basement — just for some peace and quiet. My wife was up the spout again. My daughter had grown into a mix between Suri Cruise and a Chucky doll. And one or two other chickens — well, birds — were coming home to roost.Suddenly, I realized what I had to do — go and get Fionn back.Except what I didn’t realize was that Unganga Nanga was no country for old tens.