Roy English 
When I Am An Old Coot 
Witticisms For People Who Refuse to Grow Old Gracefully

When I am an Old Coot, I will wear funny hats and loud ties, flowered underwear and bright yellow suspenders. I will break all the silly, proper rules and be a kid again. So begins a mischievous look at growing older and making the most of it. With an irreverent perspective, this absolutely hilarious book contains witticisms like these: When I am an Old Coot: "I will call ‘A Current Affair’ and ask them how I can order one." "I will dawdle by the cleaning lady, pretend to stumble and grab her buttocks firmly."