Simon Whaley 
One Hundred Ways for a Dog to Train Its Human 

On days out to the beach, always be the first in the family to get out of the car, onto the beach and into the sea. Always be the last in the family to get out of the sea, onto the beach and into the car. Remember to shake excess sea water from your fur once you are inside the car. Humans may refrain from passing you food to test. To them, a piece of salmon, followed by Liquorice Allsorts, a chocolate cake, and a selection of vegetables is a foul combination. Humans believe meals should be categorised into three sections. A starter, a main course and a sweet. Disavow them of this. Food is food is food. Always make sure you have more energy at the end of a walk, than you did at the beginning. Believe me, humans love the futility of taking you for a walk to tire you out.