Dan Wilbur 
Never Flirt with Puppy Killers 
And Other Better Book Titles

’;Classics’ (the books you’ve lied about reading). Actual Classics (Greek and Latin books people don’t even pretend to have read). Contemporary fiction (those books people talk about at parties that you’ve definitely heard of’ but never bothered to pick up). Children’s (books that say the most with the fewest number of words, i.e. ’;The Best Books’). Reference (Those books that were around before Google). From children’s literature, The Very Hungry Caterpillar gets the retitle Eat Until You Feel Pretty. An American classic, The Great Gatsby is switched to Drink Responsibly. And from contemporary fiction, Gone Girl is retitled A Tale of Two Shitty People. There’s something here for every reader.